The Misadventures of Crimebot

Back Into Action

2007-07-12T00:56:00.003-04:00

Our heroes, Zero Caspian, Jason Hero, Ross Campbell, and Crimebot, walked along the midnight terrace. Thaddius Marshall, Crimebot's recently acquired ally, had returned to Omegalopolis, his home. San Guillermo was the largest city on the West coast, formed after several other major cities had merged under the leadership of the religious zealot, Guillermo.

Crimebot looked around the alley, swiveling his head three hundred and sixty degrees, which he could do because he was a robot. Ross also tried to swivel his head three hundred and sixty degrees, but not being a robot was unable to and fell down, having hurt his neck badly. Crimebot helped him up, and a quick healing spell from Zero Caspian, who had spent the severals days they had been in San Guillermo adding various spells to his deadly arsenal, which was now even more deadly. Deadlier even than a scorpion, some said, but Jason Hero never believed that because he was afraid of scorpions and so he figured if he was afraid of them they must be pretty deadly!

Crimebot blooped. He had spotted something. Ross stood up, having lain back down for no reason after Crimebot helped him up. He brushed himself off, and then asked Crimebot what he had seen. Crimebot bleeped. "It looked like... no... it couldn't be. That's impossible!" he said, then, after a moment's pause, added "Unless...".

Jason threw his hands up in the air. "Unless what, you servo-filled monstrosity?" he shouted, earning himself a quick slap from Ross who didn't like his tone as he addressed Crimebot. Jason just rubbed his face and gave Ross a dirty look, snarling. Ross thought it looked like he was going to cry and so started to laugh uproariously until a single tear actually rolled down Jason's cheek, at which point Ross felt very bad and only laughed downroariously.

Crimebot patted his friends on their respective backs, controlling his robot hands so that he did not shatter their spines into one million shards each, which he could have easily done, probably. He wheeled a bit closer to Ross and whispered, "Max Applesauce...".

Ross nearly jumped out of his clothes, which would have been kind of gay since everyone in the alley was male. "Not... not THE Max Applesauce, senator? The same one that was replaced by a cyborg all those months ago? I though he was dead!" Ross exclaimed, his clothes now showing no signs of flying off.

"NOT QUITE!" yelled a voice, from high above our heroes. It was followed by an explosion which caused everyone but Zero Caspian (who was singing softly to himself) and Crimebot (who is made out of titanium and so figured he had nothing to fear from it) fall to the ground. Suddenly, a booming laugh rang out from behind the source of the explosion, and down leaped a man of large stature with a confused and angry look on his face. "WELL WELL!" he bellowed, "IF IT ISN'T MY OLD FRIENDS CRIMEBOAT AND ROSS CAMPSMELL" he bellowed more, even louder than the first set of bellows.

Crimebot blooped. It had been several months since a secret switch had replaced Max Applesauce with Cyborg Max Applesauce, who had then tried to kill them, and he wondered how he had been. Before Max could explain, a car whizzed by the nearby street, spraying a dead spray of bullets, which sprayed in a spraying pattern. Zero Caspian nonchalantly put up a wall of ice spell, protecting his friends from the deadly hail or spray or whatever, which caused the car to whiz even faster, disappearing around a corner. Suddenly, there was a crash! As our heroes rounded the corner that the car had just whizzed around, they saw the car wrapped around a telephone pole. Two dead men lay a couple yards away. Crimebot looted their corpses for evidence, and was shocked by what he found. He turned to Ross and held up a small chain. "Recognize this, Ross?" Crimebot inquired.

Ross nodded. "That's a chain like Boris had, isn't it?" he replied.
Crimebot applied to the affirmative, then shook his head. "I can't believe that *expletive deleted* is still alive!" he shouted, his self-censorship unit kicking in at the last second to save him from a language faux pas.

Just then, Max shouted "WATCH OUT CREAMBOOT!" and toppled Crimebot into a nearby alleyway. After a few moments, Max Applesauce jumped up and ran over to a nearby fire hydrant, karate chopping it several dozen times until he knocked a cap off and water gushed out, knocking Max down. Max then began to headbutt the stream of water, until the initial pressure died down and Max slapped his hands together as if to brush off dust, despite being soaking wet.

Ross looked at Crimebot confusedly. Crimebot merely shook his head, as if to say "That's our Max!" or possibly "My neck servos are seriously malfunctioning and I can't stop shaking my head side to side like this," or something of the like.

Ross, Crimebot, Zero, Max and Jason then set off on their new task, which was ironically the same as their old task; catch Boris! This time, every member of the team knew to be alert and ready for any trap their enemies had prepared for them. They felt confident, being sure they had encountered all the tricks their foes had up their sleeves.

But a dangerous plan was about to come to fruition, with our heroes about to become the deadly harvest...

The Long Road to Doom

2007-07-06T23:35:00.000-04:00

Thaddius and Crimebot crouched behind the low metal bulwark, trying to avoid being riddled with bullets. Usually, Crimebot liked riddles because they let his logic circuits get a good workout, but these riddles were far too deadly for even our titular crime fighting robot. He shouted over the crackle of gunfire to Thaddius to cover him. Thaddius leaned out from the end of the bulwark and started firing wildly towards the source of the deadly hail of bullets that had been pouring down on him. The firing slowed for a moment while his foes took temporary cover, and Crimebot took advantage of the situation to stand and fire a salvo of missiles at the gunmen.

The missiles flew straight up and exploded, taking out a good chunk of the warehouse ceiling as they did. Crimebot grabbed Thaddius and pulled him aside, just avoiding the debris which would have surely killed Thaddius through an elaborate process of bone crushing and organ exploding. Thaddius was outraged "Dammit, CB, what the hell did you have to go and do that for?" he exclaimed.

Crimebot was confused. Not about the CB thing, because that is what Thaddius had been calling him these last couple weeks while they travelled by foot to the warehouse on the other side of the country, something they had done out of necessity when they had learned all the trains and planes and major highways were being watched. The trip had been a long one, and the two former enemies had become friends thanks to the many ordeals and hardships and exciting deadly experiences which are too exciting and deadly to explain here or anywhere. Their entire journey had almost been for naught, because when the two heroes arrived at the warehouse, an AED-RAC, or Anti-Eavedropping Device - Robots, Androids and Cybermen, had made Crimebot shout his proximity, alerting the guards, who were still shooting at him.

No, what confused him was why Thaddius wasn't more appreciative of Crimebot for just saving his life- but he chalked it up to Thaddius' strange nature and love of yelling. Just then, to snap Crimebot of his computerized brain's wonderment function, a few bullets hit Crimebot, ricocheting off his hardened titanium exoskeleton and causing no damage. Thaddius yelled some more, "Dammit, CB, why don't you just walk over there and arrest those mofos?" he intoned, giving Crimebot and idea.

Leaping over the rubble pile he had just made, Crimebot walked up to the gunmen, who were now furiously pumping round after round of small-caliber ammuntion into Crimebot with no effect, and shot three of them with his lasers, causing the other four to attempt to run away. Crimebot told them to stop resisting arrest and fired another salvo of laser at them, causing one man to flip over and land upside-down against a wall, and killing another two in the more traditional manner whereby a large hole appears in them and then they fall down. The fourth man made it to the wall, where a switch rested; an alarm switch, which would have called for reinforcement from HQ. Crimebot's lasers were still charging, and the man was too far away to punch to death, so he thought he was in trouble, when the man fell down, dead as his friends or maybe deader, a single bullet from Thaddius' high calibre revolver having lodged itself squarely in the man's brain.

Crimebot blooped and bleeped in celebration. He turned to Thaddius, "Nice shot, Thad, looks like that guy really got ahead of himself!" he said, laughing robotically.

Thaddius just shook his head, saying, "Damn, CB, that was dry. Dry as a hot summer day in the desert, baby," chuckling all the while.

Thaddius and Crimebot then charged up the stairs to the next room, where three men lie unconcious in medical beds, fastened down. They were blood-covered and bruised, but seemed to have all their limbs. Crimebot whirred. Was it really possible? Had he really found his friends after all this searching? He shook them awake, one at a time, while Thaddius followed, unfastening their straps. "Friends, friends is it really you?" Crimebot inquired softly.

Ross was the first one out of bed, wrapping his battered arms around Crimebot's cold body. "Crimebot!" he exclaimed, "Crimebot is that really you? Damn, buddy, we thought you were dead! We thought we'd never see you again!"

Zero Caspian rose and shook Crimebot's hand, smiling knowingly and giving the titanium man a pat on his shoulder. "It's good to see you again, chum. I always knew your metal might would come in handy one day, when my magic couldn't save us. Looks like I was right," he smiled, and sat down on the bed. Jason Hero said nothing, he just nodded to Crimebot, a gesture of extreme thanks coming from the stoic Jason.

Ross motioned towards Thaddius and asked Crimebot who he was. "Oh, this? This is Thaddius Marshall, an informant from Omegalopolis. I made him lead me to this warehouse. Speaking of which," he paused, turning to Thaddius, "You held up your end of the bargain, and you're free to go whenever you please," he said, looking forlorn.

"Maybe if we hadn't been through what we'd been through, old buddy, but those exciting and deadly experiences and adventures we had on the way here made me realise there is more to life then swindling guys with too much money and bagging the finest broads, so I'd like to come with you if I could," Thaddius said, which made Crimebot's eyes light up even brighter than they were normally lit, although he didn't understand the concept of bagging a broad. Maybe he would look more into it. But for now, it meant his friend was coming with them.

Ross looked to Crimebot again. "Exciting and deadly adventures? Sounds interesting! Care to fill us in on what we missed while we were out?"

Crimebot smiled. "First, let's find a safe place," he said, and the five men headed to a safehouse Thaddius happened to know about from his days as a youth here on the West coast. After settling in a little, Crimebot explained to him the situation with Boris- that he was still at large, and then explained in great detail his exciting and deadly adventures, including the one with the Mammoth Bears and the man-eating plants of the radioactive mid-West and the especially exciting and deadly one concerning the den of tengus he had stumbled unto, which they only survived though Crimebot's cunning plan and Thaddius' smooth talking skill. He also explained other exciting and deadly experiences which are too numerous to be listed here, but it suffices to say that the other were rapt in their attention to his storytelling.

What our heroes didn't realise, however, was that while they listened closely to Crimebot's stories of excitement and deadliness, sinister forces were at play, moving their operations ever closer to their finale, and ever closer to our unsuspecting heroes...

Friendly Foes

2006-11-21T14:21:00.000-05:00

Crimebot let go of the man's neck. As the metal man's grip relaxed, Thaddius Marshall fell to the ground with a thud. Crimebot's eyes lit up, more than normal. "Tell me where my friends are, or I'll squeeze out your brain juices and then use as lubrication for my arm joints, then I'll use my newly lubricated arms to bash in your chest cavity!"
Thaddius quaked in fear and nearly pooped his pants. Thaddius Marshall, a known informant, was stuck between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, he had Dr. Julius Brench's very stern warning not to give any information out about him, and on the other hand, he had a giant machine built to serve and protect. What had his especially worried, though, was that this particular machine had a reputation for serving and protecting by brutally beating and possibly defenstrating those who he viewed as criminals. "Listen man," he began, but was quickly cut off by Crimebot.
"I do not want your pathetic drivel! Give me the information I seek or it's curtains for you!" Crimebot shouted. Thaddius gulped.
"What kind of curtains?" he then asked.
"I don't know, what kind to they use at funeral homes?" Crimebot replied.
Thaddius thought for a moment, then said "Satin, I think," which made Crimebot's eyes light up a little.
"Then it'll be those kinds of curtains!" he shouted loudly, right into Thaddius' face, spitting oil.
"Alright, alright," Thaddius replied, "I'll take you to the old warehouse where they're lodged up."
"And it won't be a trap?" Crimebot inquired.
"Yeah, yeah, possibly. Maybe it is, but what do you have to lose?" Thaddius shot back, cockily.
"Nothing... but my life!!!" screamed Crimebot, punching Thaddius in the face so hard it knocked him out.

When Thaddius awoke, it was dark and raining. He found some shelter in the banged up old car he had been placed in. Though the windows had long been smashed by gangsters or kids hopped up on drugs, or maybe a guy who hates windows, I don't know and it doesn't really matter. Anyways, the point is that there were no windows, but a roof, and the roof kept at least a little rain off his back. He looked around, and he eyes quickly became adjusted to the dark outside. He was in the Steel Nest, there was no doubt about it. The Steel Nest was an old disused scrap yard, chock full of broken down old cars with windows smashed by the same mysterious and irrelevant hoodlums that had smashed his car's. The Steel Nest was also home to the Metal Ravens, one of the most dangerous gang of street punks around. They were led by their leader (obviously), Iron Crow, [despite the fact that a crow is a lesser animal than a raven in my opinion.] who as ruthless as he was without ruth. That is to say, very. Thaddius was in trouble, and deep in it, too. If the Metal Ravens found him hanging out in their turf, they'd most likely kill him, or at least rough him up a lot. He scrambled out of the car into the open. The rain beat down on his face, and he wished he had an umbrella. He heard a noise through the rain, and darted inside a burn-out husk of a truck. Several men walked by him, straight up the car and looked inside. Thank goodness, Thaddius thought, he woke up just in time. The men exchanged some words in the pig-Mandarin typical to these parts. Thaddius didn't understand it because he spoke only two languages: English and street. After a moment, three of the four men who had walked by him initially left the scene, leaving one man behind who was trying without success to light a cigarette. Finally, just as got it lit, a deadly karate chop slammed into the man's neck, exploding an artery and causing him to die. Thaddius grabbed the cigarette from the man's hand as he crumbled to the ground, took one long drag, then walked away. After a couple steps, he's dramtically turned and flicked the cigarette at the man, who burst into flames, because apparently he was covered in gasoline.

Thaddius slowly snaked his way through the compound, using his street-wise martial arts skills to hack and chop his way to freedom. As he reached the fence surrounding the compound, he saw several dozen guards appear. They all started rushing at him, when suddenly the fence behind him was torn asunder and a metal arm grabbed him, and he was carried away quickly to safety. Crimebot chortled robotically. "So, you thought you could escape me by seeking the protection of the Metal Ravens, eh? What a foolish plan it was to hang out so near the exterior of the compound!" Thaddius began to object, but Crimebot cut him off. "After I knocked you out, I thought I killed you so I went to get a doctor. When I came back, you were gone! I thought you had ran off, but after some searching I learned that the Metal Ravens had taken you in as to protect you from me, because they hate me so much. A clever ploy, making alliances with my enemies before even meeting me!"

Thaddius was dumbfounded. He must have killed 15 Metal Ravens during his presumed escape. Resigning himself to his own stupidity, he asked Crimebot a serious qustion. "What now?"
Crimebot informed him gladly, saying "You take me to that warehouse, I rescue my friends, and you get off scot-free. Now let's go!" And so, Thaddius and Crimebot rolled rapidly towards the Warehouse, and at least one of them was unaware of the terrible fate that was in store for them...

Hard Times

2006-10-30T21:37:00.000-05:00

Crimebot sat down at the desk in the tiny office he had made his home for the last half year. He had been able to call in a contact in the department to get him set up in an abandoned warehouse, and the manager's office had been his bedroom ever since. He came out of his sleep cycle to greet another day, gripped by sadness at the thought of his old friends. Suddenly, a flashback hit him like a ton of bricks. Crimebot, being made of the finest titanium, was hardly dented, but still couldn't help but relapse into another of the horrible images in his vast memory banks.

He was suddenly standing outside, in the rain, next to his old friend Ross. Jason Hero and Zero Caspian had successfully tracked down Boris after a long and ardous search, and now they surrounded his safe house in the country, guns drawn. Before they could make their move, however, thunder cracked, loud and furious. Crimebot looked to his right, and noticed Ross was lying on the ground, not moving. Then he realised something else- that wasn't thunder at all! Firing his lasers blindly into the shrubbery ahead, he aimed (poorly) to take out the apparation who had downed his friend. Another crack of thunder, and down went Jason. Zero readied an ice spell, but before he could cast it, another crack of thunder had brought him to the floor. Only Crimebot stood, still firing his lasers, he heard another crack, and felt a sharp pain as something drove itself into his armoured hide. Activating counter-invasive manuevers, he shrugged off the pain and made for Ross, heaving him over his shoulder. He could still feel life in his friend, but it was faint and fading fast. He took a step towards Zero, and another pain rushed through him like a drill through cheese. Wincing in agony, he made it to Zero and heft him up on his other shoulder. Though he felt no kinship with the stranger Jason Hero, he knew he was a friend of Zero's and a trustworthy ally, and so he made his way over to him, pausing only once as he reeled from another thuder-crack. Hefting Jason up over his other shoulder, he started to make his way for their car, which was parked only a few hundred meters up the road. Before he could take more than ten steps, however, a bolt of dysphoria slammed into his leg unit, bringing the metal man to the ground. Crimebot, now reeling from the pain, dropped all three of his friends. He blinked, trying to clear the rain from his visual sensors, but the world seemed to be getting darker. He blinked again, trying futility to wash away the darkness that was overtaking him, but even Crimebot's mighty servos could not keep out the black, and his vision faded into the night, his mind became unable to focus, and he lost conciousness.

When he awoke, it was no longer raining, and it was as bright as the sun could make it through the morning clouds of smog that rushed out from the city as the windfarms relentlessly tried to keep the air in Omegalopolis clear enough to breath for the daily commuters. Still, the light was enough to make Crimebot turn his head away, which he found was a bad mistake. Something inside his head didn't like the thought of movement just now- and it had made it's views very clear to Crimebot via a crippling pain inside his sensory uplink. Crimebot was paralyzed, for the moment, although a quick maintenance subroutine told him it was only due to the pain. All of his sensory coils and hydromuscular responders were functioning correctly. He lay there for a few minutes, and then slowly stood up. It took him awhile, but once on his feet, he looked around. He seemed to be standing right where he had fallen, although the forest looked totally different in the light of day. The safehouse was gone, and all that stood as evidence that it was ever there were some smoldering pieces of timber. There was no sign of his friends, either. Crimebot was alone, for the first time since he had been covered in zombies. He began to make his way back to the city on foot, his car being long gone. He would have a long time to think up a course of action.

As he approached the city limits, he was suddenly gripped by a sincere feeling of unease. Someone, or something, was watching him. A quick 360 scan showed no one nearby, but when Crimebot had a hunch, it was not to be taken lightly. Ducking into an ally, he felt the feeling dissapate, but knew that he wouldn't be able to return to his old home. Calling in a favour, he got himself set up in an abandoned warehouse, and slowly but surely began to make probes into the whereabouts of his friends. After his long search, he had found nothing. It seemed, for all intents and purposes, his friends had dissapeared.

But Crimebot was not going to give up. Snapping back into reality, he reaffirmed his resolution to find his friends, whatever the cost. He would no longer conduct secretive investigations from the safety of his hideout. He would step out into the light, the very same which he had woken up in months earlier, and find his friends. Even if it meant he would have to give up his own life...

Boris

2006-07-07T14:15:00.000-04:00

Boris paced back and forth in the small room he'd been holed up in for the last two months. The phone rang, and Boris quite nearly jumped out of his pasty skin. He knew not to answer it. He knew that no one must know where he is. For two months, Zero Caspian and Jason Hero had been hot on his trail, and only by cutting himself off from the outside world was he able to keep his limbs intact. The phone was still ringing. He knew not to answer it, but he wanted to, so badly. He hadn't seen or heard another person in at least a week, since the man his boss, Dr. Julius Brench, PhD, MD had sent over with food.

Boris was an old man, and his heart was only kept pumping by a series of intricate mechanical cogs and pullies. The last two months had put serious strain on said cogs and pullies, making them squeak noisily whenever Boris became agitated, which was often, these days. Another food shipmnt was due in today, which agitated Boris especially, since it meant he had to undo the locks on the door that seperated him from the outside world. The phone was still ringing. It had rung 28 times, now. Boris noticed that the phone's ringer was making a strange buzzing noise in addition to it's extremely loud regular ring.

There was a knock at the door. Boris nearly pooped himself. He walked over to the door and peered through the eye-hole. "Who's this?" He thought, "Not my regular delivery man," he finished thinking. He examing the man through the eyehole. Something caught his eye. A small amulet that read "S" on a small stylised icicle. "S, S... Where do I know that from?" Boris thought, searching his memory. "OF COURSE! Steles the 'ice mage'! Famous trainer of Zero Caspian!" Boris fought down the urge to throw up out of sheer terror, and then began shuffling as quickly as his old bones would take him towards the emergency escape chute. The phone had stopped ringing.

Heart clicking and whirring, Boris dove head first into the chute. Down, down, down... left? "No, that's not right," Boris thought, and then he came to a sudden realisation. The buzzing in the ring had not been buzzing, it had been drilling! Someone had been using the phone to mask their altering of the escape chute. Boris hit himself on the head, which hurt a lot because Boris was fairly frail.

He came flying out of the chute after a minute or so. He landed on a great padded matress. It was pitch black. He could hear a car engine start, and then laughter from up ahead. Boris, chief man to Dr. Brench, reknowned crime lord and leader of Shadow Wing, had been captured entirely by his own machinations.

Jason Hero and Zero Caspian sat in the from of the van, laughing elatedly. After two months, they had finally captured Boris, and could now begin questioning him about things, things which were mentioned earlier that I can't remember.

However, little did Jason and Zero know that they were still being watched, and that their victory may be short-lived...

Room 302

2006-04-19T00:21:00.000-04:00

Zero Caspian and his old friend, Jason Hero, entered the Gangling Arms apartment building. It was a large building for this part of town, although it was only six stories tall. They entered the small lobby, where they were greeted by a fat, grotesquely obese man sitting behind a low counter on a chair that seemed ready to break. Jason slipped the man a hundred dollar bill and whispered "Room 302" very quietly. The fat man took the hundred dollar bill and tucked it under his dorsal flab.
Then he yelled "WHICH ROOM SIR?!" in a ridiculous cockney accent.
"Room 302," said Jason again, much louder this time.
"OK!" yelled the fat man, handing Jason the spare key for room 302. Jason then turned to the stairwell, but he was stopped by Zero Caspian's firm grip.
"Wait a minute," he said, turning back to the fat man and sliding another hundred dollar bill across the counter. "Give me the key to Room 303, as well," he said loudly.

Taking both their keys, the two men walked up to the third floor. Jason then asked Zero what he needed the other key for. "I'm going to go into room 303. You'll go into room 302, and then when you give the order I'll come through the wall, guns blazing," Zero explained.
"How will you come through the wall?" asked Jason.
"I have my ways, don't worry about it," Zero replied.
"Also, you don't carry a gun," Jason pointed out.
"It's a figure of speech, jeeeeeez!" came Zero's retort.
"And lastly, why don't I get to burst through the wall?" said Jason, lastly.
"Because I thought up the plan, and I technically paid for the key to room 303, and a whole bunch of other reasons I've yet to think of. Just do it!" yelled Zero quietly, as to not arouse suspicions.

Zero opened room 303's door and stepped inside. Jason was to wait five minutes, according to the plan, to let Zero get in place, and then burst into room 302, guns blazing. (Literally, this time.) Despite Zero and Jason not suspecting a thing, they decided it would be a good idea to go into the room like it was full of thugs just waiting for a chance to beat them up.

Inside room 303, Zero came face to face with a beautiful young woman. After making out with the woman, who was unable to resist Zero's charming voice or his good looks, for four minutes, he realised he had a job to do so he gave the woman a quick karate chop to the neck to momentarily render her unconcious. He kneeld down to squeeze her breast one last time for posterity, then he stood and cast a freezing spell on the wall in front of him, turning it into a sheet of brittle ice. Counting down the seconds, he jumped kicked through the wall, shattering it into exactly one million pieces.

Jason kicked down the door without even bothering with the lock. He regretted spending $100 on the key. A lot. Bursting into the room, he surveyed it quickly. Standing at various points around the large apartment were armed thugs who stared at Jason blankly. Behind them stood Zero Caspian, who had timed his jumpkick perfectly. He was karate chopping them in the neck (the fatal kind) one after another with no resistance. Suddenly, Jason caught movement in the corner of his eye (the right one). Bounding towards him was a very large man who was shouting curses at the top of his lungs. Without warning, the large man tripped over a couch which he had somehow failed to see and plunged head first into the ground. Jason shot him four times in the back of the head, and then started killing a bunch of the other men in the room. After about thirty seconds of gunfire, he stopped to once again survey the room. It was now filled with corpses. Zero Caspian stood across from him, holding the only survivour in a choke hold, pumping him for information. Jason could not hear what he was saying, being temporarily deafened by the gunshots, but Zero finally broke the man's neck and then walked over to Jason.

"He said this was a setup and that they were ordered to fire on two men wearing pink jackets. Apparently they didn't know what to do when we stepped in wearing regular clothes. The big man was their boss, but the guy said he didn't know his name. They just called him 'Boss'. The guy said he didn't know any Boris. That's all I could get out of him. I was going to ask him where they were hired, but then I broke his neck by accident. I don't always know my own strength," Zero said, laughing uproariously. He was joined by Jason and they shared a good hearty chuckle.

The two men then walked out of the apartment via the back entrance, towards Happy Richard's, another bar where Jason had contacts. Boris was proving to be a hard man to track down. Little did Jason and Zero know that an unseen hand played to protect Boris, and the closer they got to finding him, the more deadly the game became...

Electric Tabby

2006-04-01T18:20:00.000-05:00

Jason and Zero strutted along the street wearing huge pink fur jackets and wide-brimmed hats of pink velour. Coming to a large, non-descript building, they casually turned and walked inside.

"Hello mah brutha!" said the man standing behind the reception desk, just inside the large doorway. He too was wearing a horridly gaudy faux-fur coat, and held out his hand in a fist. Jason took a step forward and performed a series of complex hand movements, after which the reception pimp smiled and said "Welcome to the Electric Tabby Club!"

Zero and Jason moved into the back room of the Electric Tabby Club, a large underground dance club and prostitution joint. The two men surveyed the room, taking in the faces of all the sordid characters who populated the place. There was Two-Tooth Jimmy in the corner, doing business with Old Hat and Felix the Dog. In another booth, Hot Milk and Cheesewheel, two notorious gangsters, sat drinking tea and conversing about the flesh trade. Zero and Jason approached them and sat down. Cheesewheel greeted Jason, then Hot Milk, but both were eying Zero. "Who's this cracker?" asked Cheesewheel, "Cheesewheel don't like crackers!"
"Cool your jets," said Jason, slyly, "He's a friend of mine, he's cool sauce, man, cool sauce,"
Hot Milk was the next to speak. "Hey, who gives a good damn, I say, right? Listen, we got a deal going down, you in, Jay-Jay?"
Jason smiled, but shook his head. "Sorry Milk, but I'm just here to see if I can find something out," he replied.
"Ah, what you need to know I need to know, soes I can tell you, see?" replied Hot Milk, ever the helpful pimp. "What can one player do for another?"
Jason looked around to make sure no one was listening, and then asked "I need to know where Boris is holed up these days, and if it's not too much trouble for a brother, who's filling his grills with gold," he inquired, still looking around suspiciously.
Cheesewheel laughed. "That two-timing questionably Eastern-European son of a mother? He's in the Gangling Arms on Crescent Street, room 302. No clue who's throwing bills his way, though, sorry," he said jovially. Hot Milk nodded in agreement. Jason stood and thanked his informants. Zero stood, tipped his hat in thanks, and the two men walked out of the club.

When they reached a safe distance, they gave their disguises to a homeless man and told him to hold on to them. The well-dressed street dweller bowed cordially and gave them two tickets for their belongings, then shuffled dignifiedly back to his hovel to store the outfits.

Now wearing their regular street clothes, our two heroes made their way towards the Gangling Arms, room 302.

Meanwhile, in room 302, a large man inspected a lineup of tough-looking goons.The phone on the wall rang, and he answered it. He had a quick conversation with whoever was on the other end. "Ok, boys, our man at the Electric Tabby says they're on their way. They're dressed in pink coats, so when two guys in pink coats bust through that door, you kill 'em! Got it!?" the large man yelled directly at the wall which stoof a half-foot in front of him. Behind him, he goons all acknowledged his plan. "Har har har!" he laughed, "Those two jerks'll never know what him 'em..."

Conspiration

2006-03-20T22:47:00.000-05:00

The lights flickered darkly. A man walked into the room, cloaked in shadows. "Sire," he began, his voice that of an old man, broken and quiet, "The three blind mice are on their way up the cuckoo clock."
"VERY GOOD!" the man sitting in the chair behind the large mahogany desk yelled at the top of his lungs. He pressed a button on his throat. "Sorry, Rick was in here and I was chewing him out, I forgot to set my voice emulator back down to normal," he explained quickly to the old man.
"Quite alright sir," the old man responded, "I'm used to it. I had my ear piece turned way down so it sounded more or less normal to me, heh heh."
"You always were a smart one, Boris," the shady man in the chair said calmly. "Tell me, who do you have ready to cut off their tails?"
"Half the city is after them, my dark lord of darkness," Boris said.
"What is the other half doing?" asked the dark man.
"Staying out of our way," said Boris.
"Good, very good," laughed the cloaked man, who was sitting. "Get Jason Hero to take care of them. Tell him I want it done personally," he continued, growing serious, "Tell him I want it to be painful," he finished, sinisterly.
"Of course, Dr. Brench..." said Boris, silently exiting the office of Dr. Julius Brench, PhD, MD.

Ross Campbell, ex-cop, ex-marine, woke with a start. Crimebot was standing nearby, looking out the window, down at the cars below. "I have a bad feeling," Ross said to Crimebot. "One of those deep in your gut 'We're going to bite the bullet' feelings, you know?"
"I don't have a gut, Ross," said Crimebot "But I know what you mean. My intuition chip is really acting up," he finished.
"Where's Zero?" asked Ross.
"You know Zero," said Crimebot, "He's got a bit of the old wanderlust. Said he was going to check out the docks for clues,"
"You let him go alone?" Ross inquired sharply.
"He said he was going to meet an old friend- Jason Hero. You know him?" the metal man responded.
"Yeah, a good man. Used to be a marine. He's a hitman now; only works for the highest of bidders. He's good, too. I wouldn't want to be on the wrong side of his barrel," told Crimebot.

Meanwhile, across town, Jason Hero sat behind his desk and cleaned his signature silver D9 Pistol. He had just finished assembling it when Zero Caspian walked into his office. "Zero! It's been so long! What can I do for you?" Jason asked.
"You can die quickly," Zero yelled, leaping across the desk and knocking the gun out of Jason's hand, pinning him on the ground with a flurry of roundhouse kicks and girly shoves.
"What the damn hell?" yelled Jason, kicking Zero in the face despite that being clearly impossible from his current position. Rolling backward and up on to his feet, he drew his back up pistol and aimed at Zero. "I'll ask you again! What the damn hell, Zero?"
Zero Caspian took a moment to catch his breath. "Don't act dumb! You've been hired to kill me! And my friends!"
Jason laughed. "So you're the 'three blind mice' mentioned in my target envelope, eh? Boris, in his infinite wisdom, failed to clue to me in the who he was referring to. Listen, you know I'd never agree to a hit on my old friend Zero Caspian and my old marine buddy, Ross Campbell. Semper fi, dammit!"
Zero smirked. "Sorry friend. I was going to talk to you about it, but I've been dodging knives and axes and I think what could be described as sets of exploding dice all day, and when I saw you with that gun, I may have jumped in a little too quick."
"No worries, friend, nothing like a quick sparring match to keep me on my toes," Jason replied, holstering his gun. "Say, I'll tell you what: I still owe you for the Katamaran Affair, why don't I do you a small favour?"
"What's that, Jason?" Zero inquired.
"Why don't I lead you to the man who hired me and help you cut off his head?" Jason replied.
Zero was stunned. "Why would you do that? What about the Contractus Mordus? What about your honour?"
Jason laughed. "He didn't actually hire me, so the Death Contract doesn't apply. Besides, Boris stiffed me for over twenty thousand last month. He's forgotten about it, the old fart, but I haven't."
Zero grinned, and put his hand on Jason's shoulder. "Let's go get my friends, then," he said, as he began towards the door...

Little did he know, outside sinister forces watched from a dozen angles. Danger surrounded him, hidden in the shadows and dark spaces. Every step Zero took was one less he had to live...

Home

2006-03-15T23:13:00.000-05:00

Crimebot wheeled off the platform. Ross and Zero were close behind. Crimebot blooped. "Home, at last. That was a hell of a train ride!" Just then, a dagger flew past Crimebot's head. He peered to his right quickly, only to see a man wearing a bright red bandana darting behind a very large man who was being carried slowly in his litter.

"Who the hell was that?" asked Ross, drawing his gun.
"Looked like one of Redbeard's men!" said Crimebot.
"Redbeard?" inquired Zero.
"Yeah, he's the leader of the Surly Gentleman's Club over in Port Omegalopolis," Crimebot responded, adding "It's a pretty tough gang of thugs, but they usually don't leave the docks. Something must be up!"
"You mean someone wants you dead," said Zero.
"What do you mean?" asked Crimebot bleepingly.
"It's obvious. If gangs are being paid enough to leave their home turf, then whoever is paying them really wants you dead!" replied Zero menacingly.

Crimebot trembled in his roboots. "K-k-k-kill me?" he said, his voice shaking visibly. Then he became angry, raising his monotone voice. "OF COURSE SOMEONE IS TRYING TO KILL ME YOU IDIOT, HAVEN'T YOU BEEN PAYING ATTENTION AT ALL? NOT AT ALL?" he shouted at Zero, sparks coming out of his auratory ports.

Zero laughed faintly and waved his hand, turning away from Crimebot and attempting to maintain a facade of haughty disdain towards Crimebot's rebuke. But he could not mask the one tear that rolled down his cheek. Crimebot saw it and immediately felt terrible. "I'm sorry, Zero, I'm just a little on edge. I mean, I did almost just get a knife to the face, like, ten seconds ago. Plus it's pretty much been non stop attempted murder ever since I started this journey to find my purpose. I fought zombies! Do you know how many people fight zombies in their lifetimes? Not many! It won't happen ever again, I promise!"
Zero wiped the tear from his eye. "You promise?" he asked meekly.
Crimebot nodded. "I promise!"
Zero smiled, but it was cut short.

A huge javelin missed Ross' head by a few inches. All three of our heroes looked over at a man dressed as a woman who was dressed as an amazon. "Blondebeard's man! This is getting out of hand!" yelled Ross.
"We better get out of here before we get other things chucked at us for dubious reasons," said Crimebot.

Zero and Ross laughed over a root beer at Harry's Bar. Crimebot was "pumping" a witness information. After he was done pumping the witness a cup of water from the water pump outside of Harry's Bar, Crimebot came back into the building. "He didn't know anything about who's trying to kill us," Crimebot said. "But he did tell me about a group of men known as the Shadow Wing who have been paying people to kill us," he finished.

"So," said Ross "Wing Shadow is up to their old tricks again, eh?"
"Old tricks?" asked Zero askingly.
"Yeah. Mainly, hiring people to kill other people," Ross responded.
"So we're in danger again? God dammit!" said Crimebot, throwing up his hands.
"Well, we've got a real lead now, Shadow Wings!" said Ross, cheerfully, "We can target their bases and see if we can't pick up some of their members to interrogate," he finished.

Ross, Zero and Crimebot then set out to find the leaders of the notorious Wing Shadows gang. Little did they know that while they were hunting their quarry, their quarry was, simultaneously, hunting them...

Mark II Mayhem

2006-03-09T23:34:00.000-05:00

The battle lasted for hours. Ross, Crimebot, Zero Caspian and the robo-tengu exchanged a flurry of blows. Crimebot's robotic strength, Ross' cunning and Zero's skill were proving a match for the deadly cyborg killing machine that they faced, but just barely.

But then, Crimebot spotted something. He whirred to Ross to come over. Ross strafed to his left, fists flying at the tengu to keep him on the defensive. They shouted at one another over the blows. "What is it?" asked Ross, loudly.
"I have a plan, but it'll take considerable derring-do to pull it off!" Crimebot responded, yellingly.
"What is this derring-do plan my old friend?" Ross shouted inquisitively.
"Just follow my lead! And tell Zero to do the same!" Crimebot blooped with excess volume.

Crimebot then started moving to his left, towards a rocky slope that rose from the dirt floor of the arboretum car. The circle of fighters followed him, their foe trapped in between Zero and Ross and having no choice but to follow as well. Slowly but surely the four men battled, making their way up to the top of the slope. When they reached it's summit, Crimebot shouted to Zero "Make a icy path down the slope in the direction of those other rocks, there!" he said all in one quick breath, pointing at some rocks that formed a sort of ramp at the base of the hill. Zero acted quickly, using his ice magic to form a slippery path of ice that led precisely where Crimebot wanted. Crimebot then shouted "Now," and all three men knew what must be done.

Leaping into the air gracefully, the handsome Zero landed squarely in front of the tengu, arms outstretched akimbo. Sliding under the legs of the tengu came Ross, who popped up in a similar position. Then, aided by Crimebot (who was already standing in front of the tengu, try to follow along), they pushed with all their might, sending the tengu barrelling down the slope towards the rocks. He tried to grab on to a handhold, but Zero had iced over the entire route with deadly effectiveness. Sliding faster and faster, the tengu hit the bottom of the slope and slid into the rocks that lay at the end of the ice-trail. Flying in the air as if launched off a springboard, the tengu flew straight out one of the open windows in the arboretum car and went sailing 300 meters down into a chasm they happen to be passing over. A couple seconds later, our three heroes heard a loud crash followed by a massive explosion. The tengu was dead.

Our three friends decided they did not have the energy to press on after the man named Julia. After 12 hours of fighting, only Crimebot had the capicity to walk fully upright, and even he was beginning to feel the effects on his robot body. Lifting Zero and Ross up under his arms, he trudged back to their car where all three of them feel prompty asleep.

Crimebot awoke in a place he had been many times before. Surrounded by high metal walls covered in flashing lights and wires, he knew this place well indeed. Surveying his immediate surroundings, he realised something was not right. No, in fact, something was terribly wrong. Out from the shadows emerged a man. Hunched over, with a sickly complexion came at him a vaguely robotic creature wearing shambles. "A robozombie?" thought Crimebot to himself, "Surely not! Not here, not now!" he continued thinking, confused by the entire situation. Readying his lasers, he attempted to fire them, but found they did not work. His battery was too low, he figured, and so he approached the robozombie, preparing to bludgeon it to death with his titanium fists like an old-fashioned zombie puncher of yesteryear. He clobbered it, smashing its skull in and rendering it motionless. But then he heard something. Turning to face the opposite direction, he saw another three robozombie approaching. Then, another noise, and another three. Soon, there were dozens of the mechanical beasts shambling towards him. He bludgeoned a couple, but then one sank its metal jaws into his arm, severely damaging Crimebot. He reeled back, and suddenly found himself swarmed by the the inhuman beasts. With final cry before the robozombies ripped him to shreds, he screamed "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" at the top of his lungs before his life was extinguished by the horrendous creatures that clambered all around.

Crimebot burst awake and punched Ross in the face, knocking him out for a moment. When he awoke, he asked Crimebot "What the hell?" with an astonished look on his face. Crimebot explained what he had just been dreaming, and Ross forgave him immediately. He understood bad dreams. Yes, he understood all too well, ever since the incident...

Ross patted Crimebot on the back while he nursed his jaw with his free hand. "It's ok, buddy, it's ok," he said, consolingly, "It was just a bad dream. Go back to sleep, we'll be in Omegalopolis before you know it," he finished, laying down and falling instantly into a light sleep as he was trained to do by the marines.

Crimebot sighed and lay back down, slowing slipping back into sleep. "A dream?" he asked himself using the power of internal monologue. "But robots... do not... dream..." he thought, before he drifted off into a deep slumber.

The train chugged along the tracks morosely. Omegalopolis was just a couple hours away. Little did Crimebot, Ross and Zero realise that their troubles on the train were just a precursor to what dangers awaited them in the massive omnistadt that was Omegalopolis...

A New Old Foe

2006-03-03T00:45:00.000-05:00

Crimebot and Ross burst into the arboretum car. "Hands up, villians!" yelled Ross, brandishing his pistol menacingly. But the villians did not put their hands up. Nor were they even there! Crimebot and Ross instead were met by the intense din of life that existed in this dense contained wilderness. Crickets chirped, birds let out their exotic calls, and somewhere deep in the lush growth a lion let out a powerful roar.

Ross and Crimebot took a couple steps cautiously into the vast green ahead of them. "Be careful," Crimebot said, "and make sure to not get mysteriously murdered," he finished, bleepingly.
"Do you think they've set up an ambush?" Ross asked Crimebot, as he cut down vines with his machete.
"Most likely," replied Crimebot. "See those cliffs over there? That's where I'm betting we'll be jumped. Be ready!" he warned.

Crimebot and Ross came nearer and nearer to the cliffs, until finally they loomed over them like some sort of sheer rock face, which is appropriate as that's exactly what they were. Ross struggled hard to make sure he didn't give away his suspicions of an ambush, he wanted to let the ambusher think he had the element of surprise, when in fact it was Ross who had the element of surprise! Ross grinned at his devious plan.

Unfortunately for Ross, his plan never came to fruition. Crimebot and Ross passed the steep cliffs without incident, and the way now seemed clear. "Hm," Crimebot blooped, turning around to face Ross, "I can't believe we didn't get ambu-" he began, but was cut off mid-sentence by a large object leaping onto his chassis!

Tumbling to the ground locked in mortal combat with a goblin-looking man with a large nose, Crimebot tried to activate his lasers but couldn't, the palpable moisture in the air flooding his electronics. Ross trained his pistol on the beast, but could not take a hasty shot as he may hit Crimebot's near-indestructable titanium shell with his 9 JHP pistol rounds, which wouldn't have done any damage, but Ross was no doctor of metallury so he didn't know that! He took his time aiming at the rolling pair of combatants, making sure to line up the shot and time it just right. He began to squeeze back the trigger when suddenly, out of the trees, a boomerang flew and hit Ross' pistol clean out of his hand. Turning to face his attacker, Ross was greeted by the face of the old woman he had passed in the hall earlier.

"I knew it was you!" he exclaimed at her.
"You did not you big liar!" the old crone responded.
"I did so!" Ross yelled indignantly.
"Yeah, whatever!" said the old woman, "It doesn't even matter! My tengu is going to rip your robot friend to shreds, and then he's going to rip you up, too!"
Ross was at a loss. They had faced a tengu once before, and it was only... of course! Zero Caspian! They needed his help desperately, but he was still fast asleep in his cabin.

Ross gritted his teeth and charged at the old woman, who jumped out of the tree over his head with surprisingly agility. Turning around, Ross saw the old woman stan erect, losing his hump, and then proceed to take off the shawl that obscured her face. She wasn't an old woman at all! No, in fact, she was a young man! Well, middle aged, really, with a pointy goatee and close-cropped black hair. "Surprised, Ross?" asked the man with a flourish.

Ross was surprised. "Who are you?" he asked the man.
"I am Julia Hernandez the Third!" yelled the goateed man.
"Isn't Julia a girl's name?" asked Ross.
"SHUT UP!" yelled Julia. "My parents were stupid so I killed them! I am a brilliant inventor, and will be your demise!" he continued yelling.
Ross was confused, but accepted Julia's explanation, leaping at his to attack.

But Julia simply stepped out of the way, letting Ross fall on the ground. The tengu fighting Crimebot had finally gained the upper hand, and was about to plung his dagger into Crimebot's mechanical heart, when he was knocked back by a bolt of ice. Standing a few feet away from a rested looking Zero. "Thought you'd get in a tussle without me, eh chaps? Well think again!" he said saucily, throwing another icebolt at the tengu.

The tengu stood, however, seemingly shrugged off his races inherent weakness to cold. Julia laughed menacingly. "You fools! That's no ordinary tengu! It is a Cybertengu Mark II!"
"Cybertengu?" said Ross.
"Mark II?" said Crimebot, who was now standing, dusting himself off.
"That's right, you fools!" exclaimed Julia, "Perhaps you remember a certain battle with a tengu in the forest, you fools?" he then asked.
"Yeah, we remember. Could you stop calling us fools? It's just mean," said Ross, hurt.
"Sorry. Anyways, that was my Cybertengu Mark I! All the strengths of a tengu, but all the weaknesses, as well. Unfortunately, his brain servos messed up after an unfortunate boating accident which caused him to lose his fighting ability, but I decided to test his lethality nonetheless! That fight made me realise it was foolish to try to recreate a normal tengu when I could instead make them better than before! Thus, we have the Mark II! Stronger, faster, and totally resistant to cold, the tengu's one natural weakness!"
Ross, Crimebot, and Zero all exchanged glances quickly, and worriedly. Julia laughed. "Have fun fighting my powerful friend, here! I'll see you- or rather, I'll see your corpses- in Omegalopolis!" he exclaimed, then laughed again. "Muahaha!" he cackled, insanely. He then leapt into the thick brush and headed for the front of the train, dissapearing into the deep jungle of the arboretum car.

Crimebot, Ross and Zero exchanged another set of glances, and squared off against the mechanized tengu, who stood motionless yet clearly prepared to attack. Ross had retrieved his pistol, and held it at his side, ready to aim and fire. Crimebot's lasers were fully active, and his elbows were bent in anticipation. Zero stood stalwartly, one hand free for magic-casting, the other tightly gripping his glowing sword.

Our three heroes locked eyes with the monster, awaiting his first strike. This tengu, without his weakness to ice and his increased reflexes and strength, promised to be the most deadly foe they had faced yet, and our heroes knew they were in for the fight of their lives...

Sinister Twists

2006-03-02T00:46:00.000-05:00

Crimebot came up empty. The entire cabin and, as an extended search revealed, car had been totally devoid of clues. "What now," he asked his friend Ross. Ross plopped down next to Crimebot, who himself was sitting next to the corpse of the man who had been shot.
"I don't know, this goes way beyond all my years of police expertise!" Ross exclaimed quietly.
"Mine too," bleeped Crimebot, who's face servos had contorted into a look of utter dejection.

Just then, as quick as a shadow, a black figure raced past the door. "Did you see that?" yell-asked Ross of Crimebot.
"I sure did, let's go!" Crimebot yell-answered, jumping to his feet and bursting out into the train car's corridor.

Following swiftly after the fast-moving object, Ross bumped into an old lady who was returning to her cabin. Apologizing quickly, Ross took up the chase again. He and Crimebot soon after arrived at the end of the car. The door leading to the next car was shut firmly and hadn't seen recent use. Crimebot motioned towards the bathroom door, which had clearly just been opened, (don't ask me how it was clear, it just was) and Ross nodded. Crimebot took a firm grasp of the handle and...

... burst into the bathroom! But the bathroom was empty, save for a note on the mirror that read "Looking forward sometimes requires looking backwards!". At the bottom of the note it also read "P.S. Sometimes being now!"

Ross was befuddled. Where did the black shape go? He couldn't have doubled-back past them, unless... no, that's impossible! Ross tapped Crimebot on the shoulder and told him to follow him back to the cabin with the murdered man in it. As they returned to the cabin, they found it was totally empty, the corpse of the man missing with not even a trace of blood. Attached to his seat was another note. This time it read "You see me but you can not catch me, you hear me but you cannot see me, what am I?". There was another PS near the bottom of the page that read "P.S. The answer is a tree. Sorry, I'm bad at riddles," to which Crimebot agreed, this mysterious assailant was really awful at riddles.

Again, Ross was confused. "A tree? What the hell is that supposed to mean? JUST WHAT THE HELL, CRIMEBOT?" he blurted out angrily, his face muscles twisting into a look of anger to match his angry blurting. Crimebot blooped at Ross to calm down.
"Hmmm... WAIT! OFF COURSE!" exclaimed Crimebot after thinking a little bit about what to say. (That's why he said "Hmmm...") Ross asked Crimebot very slowly and calmly what Crimebot had figured out. So slowly and calmly, in fact, that it sounded like he had a brain problem. Crimebot blooped at Ross to become slightly less calm, then answered "The answer is quite simple, you see," he said to Ross, building up for suspense. "He's in the arboretum car!" said Crimebot at long last.
"Brilliant!" yelled Ross.

Alerted by the sound of their voice, the ticket-collector stepped into the car. "Tickets, please," he said in a monotone voice.
"I've got your ticket right here!" Crimebot yelled in defiance, before pulling out his ticket and handing it to the ticket collector*. The ticket collector stamped it and then stamped Ross' (who had done the same), then walked to the next cabin to try to find more tickets to stamp.

Ross and Crimebot then headed to the arboretum car, which was near the front of the train, to solve the mystery. Little did they know that lurking in the dense jungles of the arboretum car lay a horror so unspeakable that I cannot tell you what it is until next episode...

*Author's Note: This is funny because on the original train ride from Omegalopolis to Darkwinternight from the amalgamated chronicles of "Dark Legacy X-Treme Online" (the precursor to this blog, on which this story is based closely) Crimebot was asked for a ticket and yelled "I've got your ticket right here!" and then shot the ticket-collector with his laser.

Murder on the Omega Express

2006-02-27T21:47:00.000-05:00

The train chugged along the tracks morosely. Tunnel after tunnel, it pushed on its merry way to Omegalopolis. Ross Campbell, Zero Caspian and the titular Crimebot sat in cabin 3C. Ross looked out the window at the passing countryside.

"Sigh," he said out loud, "The countryside here is beautiful. I wish we weren't constantly in danger," he finished. Just then, a gunshot rang out!
"What was that?" exclaimed Crimebot.
"A gunshot," replied Ross.
"Oh, right," said Crimebot.

A half hour later, Crimebot burst awake. "WAIT A DAMN MINUTE," he ejaculated, "Guns aren't allowed on the plane!"
"We're on a train," Ross said groggily.
"Oh, right," said Crimebot.

Another half an hour later, Crimebot burst awake again. "WAIT A DAMN MINUTE," he blurted out all over the cabin, "Guns aren't allowed on the train!"
"Wait, you're exactly right!" said Ross, half-awake, "But what does that have to do with anything?"
"Silly human," said Crimebot, "Your memory is too unprecise!"
"Imprecise?" said Ross.
"UNPRECISE, SILENCE HUMAN!" Crimebot bellowed. "Anyways, an hour ago a shot was fired on the train!"
"Oh right," exclaimed Ross. "We should investigate!"
"What about Zero Caspian?" asked Crimebot.
"Let him sleep, he's had a rough night in those criminal prisons," Ross replied.
"IRONY!" yelled Crimebot.
ey
Ross and Crimebot burst into cabin after cabin. Finally, after waking up a dozen sleeping passengers and interrupting a rather spirited bout of coitous, Ross and Crimebot found a corpse. "Gasp!" exclaimed Ross.
"Aeiiiiiii!" exclaimed Crimebot. Then Crimebot yelled out for the train constable.

About fifteen minutes later, the train constable arrived. He was an enormously fat man of late years who was constantly sweating and having to dry himself with a handkerchief. He spoke slowly with a Southern drawl. "Now, now what I say is going on here?" he asked Crimebot. "What are you two doing a-hovering over this here corpse?"
Crimebot stepped forward and slapped the constable across the face. "Can't you see I'm a police officer?" The constable looked stunned for a moment, but then came to his senses and quickly apologised to Crimebot for suspecting him.
"What's happened here, my friend? the constable asked, finally.
"About an hour ago, a shot rang out. We looked around and found this man, dead as a doornail," explained Ross.
"Well, well now what happened to him?" asked the constable."
"HE'S BEEN SHOT YOU IDIOT!" yelled Crimebot excitedly.

Moments later, Crimebot walked over and opened the window. "Come here and look at this," he said to the constable. As the constable walked over, Crimebot took a step back, and then jumped forward with all his might, pushing the constable out the window into the ravine the train was passing by. As the fat constable went screaming to his death, Ross leapt over and asked Crimebot what the hell he was thinking.
"Who's the one man with a gun on board this train?" Crimebot asked of Ross.
"Me?" came Ross' reply.
"Other than you!" said Crimebot.
"Who?" Ross asked.
"The constable!" Crimebot explained finally.
"Train constables don't carry guns, Crimebot," said Ross, shaking his head.
Crimebot was silent for a second. "He was pretty stupid though, anyways," he said at long last.
"Well, it looks like it's up to us to solve this mystery, eh?" said Ross.
"Yeah, let's examine this room for clues!" said Crimebot, who got busy examining the room for clues.

Little did Crimebot and Ross know that while they examined the cabin for clues, a sinister man was plotting to kill his next two victims, a certain ex-marine and a handsome robot...

Waking Up

2006-02-22T00:39:00.000-05:00

Crimebot burst awake. "-p!" he shouted, finishing a thought he had hours ago. He quickly surveyed the room, and despite there being no light he was able to see thanks to his visor's low-light sensors. Ross was hunched about against the wall across from him, but otherwise the room was empty. There didn't seem to be any way out, except a big heavy looking door. Looking down at his foot, he saw it was handcuffed to a pipe on the wall. Next to him on the ground lay a saw of some sort.

Pondering just what this all meant, he quickly snapped the handcuffs in twain and then walked over to Ross and helped him up, snapping a similar set of handcuffs that lay at his feet. "Wh- where am I?" Ross muttered, still woozy from the blow to his head. Crimebot bleeped unhappily.
"I don't know," he said, "But there is only one way to find out!" Leaping over to the wall, he started smashing on it with his metal fists until it crumbled under his mighty flurry of blows. Behind the wall was a small room, and Crimebot kept smashing until he was through to it.
"Couldn't we have just used the door?" Ross asked.
"No, it was booby trapped. It was covered in sensors, I detected them with my x-ray vision," Crimebot explained, "Probably set to blow the minute we tried to open it," he finished.
"YOU HAVE X-RAY VISION?" Ross yelled, covering his chest and groin with his hands. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"It doesn't work on clothes, only metal and stone and some kinds of wood," Crimebot quickly told Ross, which put him at ease. Of course Crimebot was lying and could see through clothes, but he would never do that to Ross.

Entering the small room, they were surprised to find it was some sort of cell. In the cot on the fall side of the small room, which was only about a foot away, lay none other than Zero Caspian. Shaking some life into him, Ross was suddenly struck in the face by Zero, who quickly apologized as he realised what was going on. "Sorry chum, thought you were one of the surly blokes who disabled me. You're lucky I'm so groggy, or I wouldn't have missed severing your aorta with that chop," Zero said sleepily.
"That's ok," Ross said, coughing up a little blood, "I would have done-" he continued, coughing again, "-the same if I were you," he finished, coughing up even more blood.

Crimebot smashed down the prison door and quickly broke the lone sleeping guard's next. "I guess he won't ever wake up!" laughed Crimebot, though Zero and Ross just sort of stood there with grim expressions on their faces. Crimebot stopped laughing and mumbled, "Well I thought it was funny," under his breath.

Navigating through a few corridors, they found some stairs leading up and to the outside. Just as they reached the top, they heard voices from all sides. "There they are!" yelled one,
"Hey let's get him!" yelled another,
"Where are my keys!" yelled a third, and so on, and so forth.

The situation looked bad. They were surrounded and outnumbered probably at least 100:1 by Ross' godawful reckoning. Just then, a taxi came screeching to a halt in front of them. The driver leaned his head out the window and yelled "Hey mon, get in de' car, quick as a rabbit now!"

Of course! Thought Crimebot. He was still wearing his disguise! The friendly rasta who was driving the taxi yelled back over the blaring reggae music, "Where to, mon?" before peeling out in a random direction. "You boys got yourself in a lotta troubles back der, mon!" he said casually, "Good ting I was 'round to save ya!" he continued, "But who dat batty boy who yous got wit you?" he asked, finally.

Crimebot took the lead, activating his vocal modulation chip to sound more like the man driving the cab. "We was just trying to find dis man, he owes me some money, don't cha know," said Crimebot, his cliched accent fitting perfectly. "You can let us out wherever, mon," he finished.
"Ehhh no problem brudda, I got cha back all de time!" the rasta driver said, slowing down to let them out. As Crimebot and Ross and Zero exited the cab, the driver said "Don' forget to keep it real, mon!" and then drove off at a breakneck speed.

Taking off their disguises, Ross and Crimebot looked around where they had been dropped off. The Darkwinterknight train terminal. Zero Caspian exclaimed "Perfect!" as he saw the 7:00 express to Omegalopolis pull in. Crimebot and Ross looked confused. "When I was asking around, I learned that the mysterious chopper had flown over the crime district towards Omegalopolis. That's when those thugs ganged up on me and took me prisoner," Zero exclaimed quickly, hopping aboard the train. Ross and Crimebot jumped on the train with him.

Little did they know that danger was one step ahead of them...

The Search

2006-02-19T15:59:00.000-05:00

Crimebot bleeped. He and Ross had just met up after searching the town of Darkwinternight for clues about the location or destination of the chopper. Zero Caspian was supposed to meet up with them, here, too, but he was nowhere to be seen. Ross and Crimebot feared the worst. After a few more minutes of waiting, they decided it would be best if they went and found him, as they agreed Zero did not seem to be the type of half-elf who would be late for a meeting.

The problem was, Crimebot and Ross didn't have any idea where to start looking. Did they start in the seedy industry district of the town? Or the seedy trade district? Or perhaps the seedy uptown district where the rich folk lived? After some debate, they decided they should start in the swanky crime district, which is where Zero said he would be searching. They decided also that it would be best if they went in disguises, as Crimebot was a Crimebot and Ross was an ex-cop and officers of the law weren't welcomed in some parts of the crime district, and they didn't want to ruffle any feathers.

Just under an hour later, Crimebot wheeled up to the door of a particularly creepy looking building. Ringing the doorbell, which played El Chucaracha very loudly. After a few seconds, a man came to the door and opened the eye-slit so he could peer out menacing as criminals are wont to do. What he saw looked to be a man of middling age wearing a Rastafarian hat that couldn't quite conceal the dreadlocks beneath. "What you want, den, eh?" he said in a Cockney accent to the strange Rastafarian man.
"We're, uh, looking for a friend of ours, uh, mon," said Crimebot, who was beneath the disguise all along!!
The Criminal looked suspicious, but he said, "Alright, yous'n come in 'n' look around, but don't yous be touching anything, alright?"
Crimebot nodded and the Criminal opened the door.

Walked into the dank house, he noticed their were people strewn all about. This was obviously some kind of opium den, Crimebot thought to himself, and was about to arrest the Criminal, when he saw Ross walk in wearing his Zulu disguise. Seeing Ross in his green skirt of leaves made Crimebot remember that he was here undercover, and so he checked himself and asked the Criminal, "Any half-elves here?" instead of arresting him.

The Criminal looked about hastily and said, "Not 'ere, mate, but you might want to check up on ol' Gallagher jus' down de' block, eh? Tell 'im Rudy sent yous, 'e'll let yous in, ok?" Crimebot did not know what to say, so he just thanked the man and walked out, Zulu Ross in tow.

Just down the street they found a building with a big neon sign outside that said "GALL--HE-S" and decided that this was probably the place the Criminal had meant. Knocking on the door, Crimebot was once again greeted by El Chucaracha and a suspicious man peering at him through the eye-slit. "What do you want?" the man said, although this time there was no Cockney accent.
"We're looking for a friend, Rudy sent us, mon," Crimebot said.
"Ain't no friends of yours in here, friend, you best be moving on," the man behind the door said, and then slammed the eyeslit shut. Crimebot was furious, his face servos whirring and buzzing as they attempted to reflect his rage. He knocked on the door again. This time, when the man answered and opened the eyeslit, Crimebot slid the screwdriver-bit from the tip of his right index finger, and then jammed it into the left eye of the man who had answered the door, sliding the crook of his finger back behind the bridge of the man's nose.
"OPEN THE DOOR CRIMINAL," Crimebot said in a booming voice. The man, who was screaming pain, had no choice but to do so. When Crimebot heard the door click and unlock, he let the man go, and then pushed the door open.

The man, who was now slumped over behind the door, yelped in pain again when Crimebot smashed him with the inward-swinging door. The house seemed abandoned, so Crimebot moved down the entrance hall into the back room. As he left the hall, he heard a loud, metallic thud, and then his vision started to blur. Turning around, he saw a man standing with a large mallet in his hand and two other men subduing Ross. As he faded into unconciousness, all he could think was "Cra-" before he fell into a deep sleep.

As Ross and Crimebot were dragged deeper into the dank house, the men around them laughed, and it seemed like they were in for a bad night's sleep...

Quarry

2006-02-17T01:08:00.000-05:00

Our three heroes stopped, and Ross tripped over a stick and landed right on Crimebot who in turn knocked over Zero Caspian.

Ross looked apologetic, but said nothing. His face sort of formed that ":s" emoticon no one ever uses because, really, how often does your mouth form an S?

After getting up and dusting themselves off, the three men looked over the nearby ridge, down at another camp, which had a large clearing in it. It looked like a small windstorm had just ravaged the clearing, and it confused Ross and Crimebot

Just then, a twig snapped behind Ross. Turning quickly, he grabbed a rifle's butt as it came down on his head. Slipping both feet onto his assailant's chest, he flipped him over his head and then somehow landed on his feet again. The man went flying over the cliff's edge, tumbling down to his death on the overly-jagged rocks below, firing madly from his assault rifle as he fell. A single bullet hit a giant gas tank that was sitting off to the side of the makeshift camp, which caused it to explode, engulfing the entire valley in flames.

The survivours of the explosion took what meagre cover they could and started firing up at the ridge. Ross immediately took command. "Zero, you're with me! Crimebot, you stay here and draw their fire and try to take them out with lasers and missles," he said in an authoritative voice which he had not used for a long time. Crimebot looked unhappy.
"Why do I have to draw their fire?" he said grumpily, his face contorting into what could only be called a sassy expression.
"Because your titanium shell is pretty much immune to their gunfire from this distance," Ross said hastily.
"Right, I keep forgetting," said Crimebot, who began immediately laying down covering fire.

Zero and Ross flanked out wide and charged down a smoother decline into the valley. "So, what's the plan," asked Zero skeptically.
"Ok, it's a little daring, but it should work," said Ross, which made Zero smile and look worried at the same time, the daringness of it flooding him with conflicting, nonsensical emotions. "We charge at that wall of fire, right there-" he continued, pointing at a massive wall of flame. "Then, you use your frost magic to put out enough of the fire to let us rush through! They'll never see it coming!"
Zero looked angry now, then a little sad, and said "But that'll take us right into their line of fire! We'll be mowed down!"
"But they won't be expecting it! Surprise is 95% of the battle! The other 5% is guts!" replied Ross.
"Fine! We'll use your awful plan!" said Zero, "But don't be surprised when we're dead!"
"That doesn't even make sense, how can I be surprised if I'm dead?" came Ross' retort.
"Don't be surprised right before we die, either, then, you jerk," said Zero, who then ran at the firewall, shooting a stream of ice magic from his hands.

Bursting through the half-opened pathway on fire, Ross and Zero took their enemies totally off guard. One was so scared he practically pooped his pants!! Another threw his rifle to the ground and tried to surrender before he was cut down by some fire from Ross' pistol. Another man who was firing his rifle was so caught off guard he lost control of his gun and shot two of his friends in the back, killing them both. The other three tried to run away, but just then a missle landed on their exact position and blew one guy to pieces and the other guy went flying at least fifty meters in opposite directions, and one of the guys landed on some jagged rocks.

Ross and Crimebot explored the city while Zero put out the flames. After an hour or so, Ross had collected the best assault rifle he could find and some ammo, but nothing else. Crimebot also came up empty. Zero Caspian returned to them, and when they told him they found nothing, Zero offered some advice. "The prescence of that fuel tank and this large clearing leads me to believe they may have landed a hoverchopper here," he explained, "And if that's the case, they're long gone by now. Our best bet would be to hit the nearest cities and ask around for chopper sitings. I know the way back to Darkwinternight, but I son't think we'll find much there: Darkwinternightians aren't very friendly to fancy strangers, and I don't think any of the locals own a chopper," he finished. Crimebot and Ross nodded, and they began to follow him once again.

The trip back to Darkwinternight was relatively smooth, and despite Zero Caspian's constant warnings about tengus, none bothered them on the way back. As they came upon the outskirts of the city, Ross began to wonder where this wild quest would lead. He had set out but weeks ago to find the mysterious artefact that his girifriend, the love of his life, had mentioned the last time he saw her before she was killed by some mysterious criminals. But in those short few weeks, he had travelled halfway around the world and now was heading back again. Alongside his trusty friend Crimebot, the only man he truly trusted, who had joined him at the outset of his journey those few weeks ago to find his purpose, it looked like he was destined to find trouble no matter where he went...

Deceiving Looks

2006-02-15T00:47:00.000-05:00

Crimebot studied Zero Caspian's handsome face. He did not know what to make of this stranger who had apparently not only hunted them down in one of the most remote wildernesses Crimebot had ever step foot it, but had also correctly anticipated their next move and had headed them off, seemingly with some time to spare.

He opened his robotic mouth to speak, but was cut off by Zero Caspian. "Please, fair robot," said Zero Caspian, "I know you have many questions. Let me just say this, and then we shall say no more: I have come from a faraway land to help you, so that one day many days from now, you will be able to help me. The object you seek is an important artefact indeed, and one that will perhaps even save the very world we live on!" Crimebot attempted to speak again, but again Zero cut him off, "No more, time is crucial! Foul beasts live in these woods, and we must hurry out of them. Your question and/or comments would only slow us down!" and with that, he leapt to his feet and walked briskly over to the edge of the glade they were in. If I didn't mention they were in a glade earlier, they are.

Or were, technically, as now they quickly moved away from it down a narrow path. Crimebot had lost the set of tracks he was following when he had become entraced by Zero Caspian's beautiful singing voice, and so now he was following the tall half-elf quickly with Ross a half-step behind.

Just then, they came to an abrupt halt. "Wait," said Zero Caspian, "I smell danger!"
"I do not sense any danger," said Crimebot, unable to sense any danger.
"Look, up there, do you see it?" said Ross, but Zero simply shushed him with his hand.

Up ahead, from another clearing, an old man with a very, very large nose approached them. "Why, he just a harmless old man," said Ross. But Zero wasn't so convinced, and neither was Crimebot, who had searched his massive database for any mention of "big nose+forest". After ignoring literally thousands of pornographic returns, he found one that was slighty more disturbing. "Careful, it's a tengu!" Crimebot yelled, shooting it in the face with a laser. However, the laser seemed only to scuff the tengu's titanium mask, and the beast was clearly made angry as it reverted to its lumbering goblin form and charged at Crimebot. Leaping out of the way with a full jolt from his jetpack, the tengu stumbled and missed. Next, it was Ross' turn. He shot the tengu in the chest with his pistol, but the tengu only seemed mildly fazed, and charged at Ross. Ross leapt out of the way with a full jolt from his legs, and the tengu rammed into a tree and fell down.

The fight continued in this vein for a couple of minutes, and although it seemed the tengu was a really awful fighter, it also seemed he was impervious to their mundane attacks. Crimebot and Ross did not know what to do, and so they climbed a tree and hope the tengu would go away. But the tengu did not go away! It stayed at the base of the tree, waiting for its prey to come down so he could presumably eat them or do something odd with his nose.

Finally, after an hour of waiting for dramatic effect, Zero Caspian offered to help. He kicked the tengu in its bottom, and when it turned around to rush him, he made a wall of ice that the tengu smashed headlong into. "Of course! Everyone knows Goblins can't stand ice! Why didn't I think of that?" yelled Crimebot from his lofty perch.

Zero Caspian danced around, kicking the tengu in its bottom then making it smash into walls for a little while, then he froze it solid in and in doing so also turned it into a beautiful ice sculpture. "There friends, a little taste of what I can do," Zero said, with a laugh. Then he froze a beautiful set of stairs for Crimebot and Ross to walk down.

"Thanks for the help, Zero Caspian," said Ross.
"Please, call me Zero," replied Zero.
"Well, thanks Zero. That tengu thing was really tough," replied Ross, "I don't know if we could have taken it on our own," he finished.
"What are friends for?" laughed Zero.

Our three intrepid heroes then moved on, with Zero leading the way and Crimebot and Ross following behind as he moved faster and faster, following some unseen path deeper and deeper into the wilderness...

Haunting Melodies

2006-02-13T23:01:00.000-05:00

"Hey stupid, look out behind you, idiot!" yelled Max. Ross turned around just in time to see Max pull back the hammer on his pistol. Leaping out of the way, he narrowly dodged the shot that ricocheted off Crimebot's armoured exoskeleton.
"What the hell?" yelled Ross, launching a jump kick at Max, knocking his gun out of his hand. Max leapt ten feet in the air and swung his leg around, hitting Ross in the head. Stumbling back, Ross threw a deadly punch, but it was deflected by Max's lightning-fast reflexes. His reflexes were fast even for Max. Too fast, Ross thought. He threw a couple more deadly punches at Max, but each hit was blocked. With a massive jump kick Max knocked Ross down onto the ground and winded him. Then he leapt over to Ross and prepared to crush his sternum with a huge body blow from both his feet.

But then, seemingly out of nowhere, a laser blast smashed into Max's face and killed him instantly. Ross crawled over to his friend, who's face was a mess of servos and gears, with some wires shooting electricity in every direction. "A... robot?" said Ross, "Max was a robot?"
"NOT A ROBOT YOU BUFFOON BUT AN ANDROID. LOOKS PRETTY ACCURATE TOO, YOU JERK," yelled Crimebot.
Ross gave Crimebot a quizzical look. There were a couple moments of silence, which wasn't awkward because Ross pretended to catch his breath. Otherwise it probably would have been pretty awkward, though. "Why did he shout out at the end there?"
Crimebot raises both his eyes in a look of surprise. He wasn't surprised, he just looked it. "I DON'T KNOW UGLY, I GUESS- WAIT A SECOND MORON!" he said, reaching into his pocket. Pulling out the small device known as an AED-RAC, he switched it off. "Oh, that makes sense!" Crimebot whirred.
"I thought you crushed it!" exclaimed Ross.
"No, I just turned it off and put it in my pocket. I figured it could come in handy later. It must have accidentaly been switched on when I bent over to check for tracks. Sorry I called you all those names, before," said Crimebot, apologetically.
"It's ok," said Ross, who came over and hugged Crimebot. "That little AED-RAC saved my life!"
After a few moments of hugging, Crimebot said "Max wasn't a robot when I scanned him back at Harry's Bar, so that guy must have made the switch sometime before then and now," he finished.
"Hm..." Ross said, trailing off.

Crimebot walked over to the fake Max and looked at his head. His neurocortex was smashed to bits. Crimebot cursed himself for being such a dead shot with his laser beams, if he had been a bit lower he could have salvaged Max's android brain.

Ross patted him on the back. "I owe you one, too, Crimebot. Without you, even that AED-RAC wouldn't have helped," he said, hugging him again. Crimebot smiled a little and a singly oily tear rolled down his cheek. Though Ross would never know, Crimebot was worried sick over how close he had come to losing his only real friend.

Ending their strictly platonic embrace, our two heroes went through Max's person and took all his useful belongings, and some sort of useless ones, like a ball of coiled up wires and a button that said "#1 Dad" on it.

Then they continued on deeper in the forest. After a few hours following the tracks, Crimebot began to hear something. As they followed the tracks further and further into the forest, the sound became louder and louder. Eventually, Crimebot could make out the song. It was the saddest, most haunting melody he had ever heard, and he had technically heard every song every made, as he had access to them all via his cyberdatabase. It was a song about lost love and tragic romance, and it gripped Crimebot's cold metal heart. As they got a little closer, Ross began to hear it, and he burst out into tears. His tears were as much from the beauty of the voice that was singing the song as it was from the sad lyrics of this mysterious euphony.

Rounding a bend... in the trees, I guess, they came upon a muscular man with semi-pointy ears who was offhandly materialising an ice sculpture of a beautiful woman. It appeared that it was he who was behind this beautiful song. Watching him sing and form the ice sculpture for awhile, finally Crimebot stepped forward. The handsome man glanced over at them. "So, finally decided to say hello, eh?" he asked, in a voice that was not as beautiful as his singing voice, but still pretty good as far as voices go.
"I'm Crimebot," Crimebot said.
"And I'm Ross Campbell," said Ross, stepping forward.

The man smirked. "I know who you are, I've travelled half the world to find you. My name... is Zero Caspian!"

Betrayal!?

2006-02-12T22:55:00.000-05:00

Crimebot was the first to wake up. He beeped. Ross stirred next to him. "What happened?" Ross asked Crimebot.
"We feel asleep," he replied.
"All of us? Including you?" came Ross' reply.
"I must have gone into diagnostic mode, which is like your human sleep," Crimebot whirred unhappily. "I do not know where Max went," he finished.

Ross and Crimebot looked around and saw several felled trees, with a sweat-soaked Max laying nearby. Ross walked over and shook him awake and then immediately had to block a deadly chop from a startled Max. "What the hell happened, Max?" asked Ross.
"I got tired of waiting so I fought some of these trees for awhile. I must have dozed off," Max replied. "I know I won, though, look at these damn trees! BOO-YAH!"
Ross walked back over to the cliff, shaking his head. "They've abandoned camp, we missed our chance," he said, angry at himself.
Crimebot rolled over to the edge with him. "We should go down there and take a look around. They may have left imporant clues!" he said, to which Ross nodded in agreement.

Entering the camp, Crimebot headed for the center while Ross looked through the debris of the tents, which the men in the camp had apparently burned down instead of just packing away. Crimebot blooped Ross over. "Take a look at this!" he yelled in his robotic voice.
"I'm standing right next to you!" replied Ross angrily.
"SORRY!" Crimebot yelled even louder than before.
"STOP YELLING!" yelled Ross.
"I CAN'T!" said Crimebot, yellingly.
"Oh," said Ross, picking something up from the ashes of the firepit. "This must be the cause of your yelling!" Ross handed Crimebot the device. Crimebot recognized it immediately from his days at the Robot Academy. It was a AED-RAC, or Anti-Eavedropping Device - Robots, Androids and Cybermen. It was designed to make any robots, androids or cybermen nearby be as obnoxious as possible, thus removing their ability to be stealthy and making it impossible for them to eavesdrop.

Crimebot crushed it in his robotic grip and his voice returned to normal. "Sorry," he said, but Ross assured it was ok. Suddenly, Max screamed out in pain! Ross and Crimebot rushed over to him.

"What is it, Max, are you alright?" asked Ross worriedly.
"I'm totally fine, of course," said Max, "I just wanted to show you guys this thing I found," he finished, handing a small round object to Ross.
"What is it, I wonder," said Ross, handing it to Crimebot.
Searching his database, Crimebot said, "I don't know, either, but it looks like a crest of some kind, and it's got three pins on the back, so it's probably goes into something, like a chest, and it probably acts as a key to open said chest. I guess," he pontificated.
"HEY WAIT A MINUTE!" yelled Max, "We're searching for a chest maybe, right? Maybe this mysterious object with a mysterious use goes with it!"
"Hm, you raise an interesting point, the thing we didn't find's shape in the dirt where it was could have been a chest!" said Ross. "Crimebot, can you find any tracks to follow?"

Of course Crimebot could, so it was actually a really dumb question, but Crimebot didn't point that out because he wasn't a big jerk like Unit 8 was back at the robot academy. Oh, how he hated Unit 8. He thought he was so good with his smug haircut. And that moustache! Crimebot howled in rage at the thought of his old robo-nemesis, Unit 8.

After twelve solid seconds of howling, Crimebot calmly turned to Ross and said "Yes, there are some footprints right there, let's go!" Ross, although confused, was happy Crimebot found some tracks and so stepped behind him and followed the metal-man forward into the tree-coated hills. So intent on following Crimebot, Ross didn't notice as Max pulled his pistol out from his coat and turned it on the back of Ross' head...

Deep X

2006-02-10T18:17:00.001-05:00

Crimebot's flashlight shone on the map in Ross' hand.

"According to this map, there should be a large cavern just around this corner," Ross said.
"Which corner? This one?" asked Max.
"No Max, we just came around that corner. This corner here, in front of us," Ross replied.
"How do you know it's not this one? It could be this one!" Max said, heatedly.
"Because we just came around that corner and there was no large cavern behind it!" yelled Ross.

This argument went on in a silimar vein for about ten minutes, at which point Ross tripped over a rock and tumbled around the corner and into the cavern. Don't ask me how he tumbled around a 90 degree turn, he just did.

"It's empty," said Crimebot, who was standing in the cavern and had checked it thoroughly while Ross and Max argued. Ross suddenly realised he and Max had been standing in the pitch black for the entire argument, Crimebot's flashlight/holoprojector/siren being the only source of light in the cave.

"So this has just been a big, fat waste of time? Like filling out your intertaxes or voting in the Corporation sponsored elections?" asked Max.
"And now we're trapped, like hats on a rack?" yelled Ross angrily.
"Not entirely," said Crimebot, who gestured his friends over to the center of the room. "Look at the dirt on the ground, here. There was something in here very recently, and I'd say someone must have beat us down here. Which means..." Crimebot continued, but was cut off.
"Which means that the farmhouse wasn't a house at all, but a living, breathing octopus!" yelled Max.
"No, Max, it means that there is another way out," said Ross, "And one which we have to find!"

Crimebot detected some footprints in the ground leading from the chest. "Follow me, chums," he said to his chums, intoning that they should follow him. Within minutes, they were standing on the other side of the mountain range they had entered an indiscriminate length of time earlier. Not utterly lost, they stumbled around in the dark (except Crimebot who could see perfectly well in the dark and was just stumbling around because he wanted to feel like part of the group) for about an hour before spotting some lights in the distance.
"A house?" asked Ross.
"A hose?" asked Max.

The three companions decided to take a closer look. Nearing the light, they realised it was a campfire, surrounded by some tents. Walking around the makeshift camp were some surly looking men with guns slung over their shoulders. "Do you think those are the guys who took whatever was in that cave?" asked Ross, which made Crimebot's servos whirr in thought.
"It's possible," he said, "But we don't even know what it was, and they don't look like the type who would tell us."
Max guffawed. "We don't need to ask! We can just sneak in, steal all of their belongings, then sort through them and take out all the uncommon items, then by a process of elimination we can determine which is the most unusual. That will probably be what they took! Then we can return all their other belongings and none will be the wiser, until they notice their precious item is missing, at which point they'll hunt us down. But we'll be long gone!"
Ross shook his head, and said "Although that's a sound plan, I think we should let Crimebot decide what we should do. After all, he is the one trained in hostile mediation!"

Crimebot bleeped and whirred and made some other noises before finally saying anything. "We must arrest them all, and then threaten to throw the book at them if they refuse to answer our questions!" he said at long last.
Ross was confused. "Which book?" he asked.
Crimebot smiled a robot smile and replied "The only book I've ever cared to read. The book of international justice and law, of morality and ethics. The Nomologos!"
Ross and Max had never heard of this book, but they assumed that Crimebot probably wasn't lying about it's existence or contents.

Without another word, our three brave heroes lay down and wait for the perfect moment to strike the camp full of probably criminals and arrest them all for questioning. When that time came, the ensuing battle would be frought with peril. It would be a battle so perilous, that perhaps one of the heroes may even die, gruesomely, never to live again.

Anyways, the three heroes lay on the cliff overlooking the camp, and waited for the perfect opportunity to rush down the cliffside into danger...

Mine all Mine

2006-02-08T22:12:00.000-05:00

Crimebot rolled forward cautiously. After his near-dangerous encounter with the zombies, he was convinced he should be ready for anything. Setting his "readiness" switch to "anything", he felt now that he was prepared to forge forward into the mineshaft.

Ross and Max, who were coming up behind him, whispered to eachother. "Do you think we'll find more zombies?" Ross enquired of Max.
"If we do, I'll punch their lights off!" replied Max.
"But it's already so dark down here," said Ross, "We need all the light we can get!"
"No, it's a metaphor, like the bible or the robot bible or the zombie bible!" said Max heatedly.
"Oh," said Ross, who now felt like a sheep.

Just then, there was a noise from deeper in the mine!
"GHOSTS!" yelled Ross.
"ZOMBIES!" yelled Crimebot.
"UMBRELLA!" yelled Max, who wanted to be included.

Crimebot beeped confusedly. "Why would it be ghosts?" he asked Ross.
"I don't know, why would it be zombies?" Ross retorted.
"We just finish fighting like 100 zombies, that's why!"
"Oh right," Ross said, again feeling like a sheep.

Suddenly, a giant rat came running around the corner. It turned to Crimebot and began to charge at his back, but deftly Ross jumped in and stabbed it in the eye! Then he yelled "Looks like this sheep is a wolf! In sheep's clothing!" which made Crimebot even more confused and a little question mark appeared above his head, originating from his siren/holo-projector.

Crimebot hugged Ross after that, though, because Ross had just saved his life. But then something went horribly wrong! Suddenly there were zombies closing in on them from the mine's entrance, and in these small spaces Crimebot's standard laser/missle barrage could have dire ramifications. Now it was Senator Max Applesauce's turn to shine. Karate-chopping the wall several dozen times in extreme haste, he caused a cave-in. "Quick," he shouted, "Go deeper into the cave!"

The cave-in was massive. Max was at point, chopping and jump-kicking falling rocks out of the way so that his chums wouldn't be hurt. Behind them, a dozen zombies were crushed and the rest were trapped outside, unable to get at our intrepid heroes. Safe for the time being, the three characters who I just referred to like six times in a row were, however, trapped deep within the mine.

Crimebot shone his siren/holoprojector/flashlight at a nearby wall, where a gilded cage hung. In it, was the tiny, eerily adorable skeleton of a canary. It appeared that even though they had saved themselves, they may have very well doomed themselves in the process. With a few knowing glances, Max, Ross and Crimebot headed deeper into the mine, to the mysterious red X on the map...

Zombies in the Machine

2006-02-07T14:53:00.000-05:00

Crimebot lay on the ground. Zombies had knocked his legs out from under him, and he had gone down hard with a loud crash. He was positively forlorn, as he figured his minutes were numbered.

But then he realised something very important as the first set of zombie teeth bit down on his leg-
He was made out of Titanium! Filled with a new energy at this realisation, Crimebot leapt upwards in a dramatic fashion and hovered in the air a moment while the farmhouse seemed to fade out behind him and be replaced with a rapidly moving single-colour background.

Landing in a jumble of confused zombies, he remembered something from the days when he was just being built, after he had gained consciousness but before he could move his body freely. He glimpsed his creator's face, and some of the many words of wisdom he had imparted on Crimebot.
"Remember," the man said, "If you're ever fighting zombies, their weak point is the head!".

Crimebot smiled slyly and shook the zombies who had climbed onto him while he was having his flashback off. Setting his lasers from "Stun" to "Kill" (The settings on his lasers were actually comically mislabeled, as they should have read "Kill" and "Kill Harder") he started firing randomly, knocking zombies over left and right. Then he realised he should probably have paid heed to his creators words, and so he started aiming his laser blasts at his enemies heads.

Heads exploded everywhere. Zombies fell one after another, then two after another, then ten after another. Soon the entire house was void of moving zombies. Ross and Max came downstairs and Max gave Ross a ridiculously over-the-top high five.

Crimebot whirred. He was happy he could protect his friends.

Suddenly, one of the corpses moved! Crimebot, not wanting his friends to get hurt, fired a missle at it from his backpack. Unfortunately, the missle went straight up into the ceiling and caused part of the building to collapse on Crimebot.

He woke up some time later, only now he was standing outside what looked like an old mind shaft with Max and Ross.
"What happened?" he blooped, "Last I remember I was in the old farmhouse!"
Ross chuckled. "Don't you remember? You put on quite a show! One might say you brought the house down!" he said, causing Max to laugh uproariously.
"Where are we?" Crimebot chimed.
"Outside the old Winslow mine," said Max. "I carried you here," he finished.

Crimebot looked up at the mineshaft entrance. It looked pretty terrifying. Spooky sounds eminated from within. No one knew what was in that mine! Though danger lurked ahead, Crimebot hovered forward a little. "Looks like I'll have to go first," he said courageously, and headed into the mine, with his two human friends in tow...

A Grim Situation

2006-02-06T20:22:00.000-05:00

Ross Campbell slammed on the brakes for absolutely no reason, sending Crimebot, who was riding in the back, sailing over the cab of the truck they were still riding in.

"Ow," Crimebot beeped, brushing the dirt off of himself. Ross rushed over, a look of concern on his face.
"Are ok, buddy?" he said, helping Crimebot up.
"Affirmative my friend," Crimebot chimed, forgiving Ross completely. "Have we arrived at the farm?" he continued, his voice raising at the end of his sentence, turning what would otherwise be a grammatically incorrect sentence into a question.
"Yeah, this is the place," Ross said. He pulled his pistol from his holster. "Looks creepy, though, we better take all precautions necessary to ensure our very survival!"

Max Applesauce came running over and jump-kicked a fencepost. "I thought it was going for a weapon," he explained after quizzical looks came from Crimebot's general direction. Max, to be on the safe side, took out his Mark IV Laser Knuckles and slipped them over his normal, not-laser knuckles.

Intrepidally, our three intrepid heroes walked towards the farmhouse.

Even though their actual destination was a mine near the Winslow Farmstead, they felt oddly compelled to approach the house slowly and then explore the inside of the house equally as slowly. After about two hours of exploring, Crimebot blooped out. "Abandoned, just like we thought," he said. "Find anything?" he asked Ross and Max.

Max shook his head, and Ross said "No, nothing. Not a damn thing. Except this map with markings leading to an old mine nearby and this other map that seems to plot an exact course deep into the mine, to an X marked 'here' in what I think might be blood."

Crimebot blooped excitedly, his siren going off for just a moment in jubilation. He exclaimed "Now that we have the map, nothing can slow us down!"

Suddenly, a branch snapped outside. Crimebot's computer-tuned eardrums of course heard this, and he motioned to the others to be quiet. Walking over to a window, he pressed up against a wall. He heard what sounded like gurgling, and while he was busy trying to make it out, something burst through the door!

Ross shot whatever it was four times in the face before Max roundhouse-kicked it in the side of the head, lopping it clear off the body. "What is that thing?" Ross said.
"SEARCHING DATABASE." Crimebot said in a computerized voice, meaning he had gone into his computer network to find information. "I cannot seem to find anything. The closest thing in my database is a document apparently about a top-secret project which leaked onto the internet a couple years back. It was about some scientific experiments that had deadly consequences... the problem is, the consequences didn't stay deadly!!"

Ross looked confused. "That didn't really make any sense," he said to Crimebot.
"Zombies, silly human, zombies! That was a zombie! The thing is, zombies never hunt alone..." Crimebot said.

As if to puncuate Crimebot's sentence with a period and not ellipses like I did, another zombie-thing burst through the window, then another, then another. There were a lot of windows. Ross and Max started firing and kicking respectively, and Crimebot started shooting lasers every which way. More zombies poured through the windows. Ross yelled, but Crimebot could not hear him over the rampant violence. He saw Ross and Max run up the stairs of the Farmhouse, but his path was blocked off by about two dozen zombies, who were proving more resilient than he had guessed they would.

As the zombies closed in around him, he could not help but pull from his memory files images of the dream that he had, that one forbidden dream that he had allowed himself all these nights, of his own demise, and he let out a shrill scream into the dark wintry night as the zombies took hold...

The Farm

2006-02-03T20:27:00.000-05:00

The truck motored along the road noisily.

Crimebot whirred. "Wh-wh-where're we headed again?" he blooped, stuttering as senator Max Applesauce applied some oil to his braincogs.

"The old Winslow farm, you idiotic contraption!" yelled Bert, the driver of the taxi they had hit minutes ago, nearly completely destroyed his car in the process. "I've only been here for 15 seconds and even I knew that!"

Crimebot looked forlorn, his metal face contoring into a facade of sadness. He decided he did not like Bert and would arrest him with excessive force the first chance he got. Ross Campbell, ex-marine, ex-cop, realised that Crimebot was sad, and that Bert was the cause, decided also that he did not like him, and he might have to show him a lesson- a lesson in pain, off course!! Max Applesauce did not notice anything because he was punching the oil canister after mistakenly believing it called him a liar.

The truck kept puttering along, eventually entering the forest that seperated the city of Darkwinternight from the farming belt just West of the suburbs.

Suddenly, without warning, and to everyone's surprise, some guys stepped out onto the road ahead of them. These guys were obvious international criminals and they had knifes and one had a bat that said "BATCO BATS" on the side in big block letters. One had a scar on his face and another one was bald-headed, and yet another one had a goatee. Yeah, there was no doubt these were some bad dudes out for blood- Crimebot's blood!

Little did the bad dudes know that Crimebot, being a robot, did not have blood.

The truck stopped, and Ross Campbell cried out "You there, get off the road!". Despite being an ex-cop and an ex-marine, his senses failed him and he was almost killed when a knife came flying at his face! Luckily the knife bounched harmlessly off the windshield on the truck, and one of the thugs cursed. It did leave a little knick in the glass which made Ross pretty angry even though it wasn't technically his truck.

Crimebot was the first to react, his robot-like reflexes sending him hurling into battle. Firing laser after laser beam at the thugs, who in relation to Crimebot's mighty arsenal were pretty much helpless, they fell one after another. One went screaming into the forest, but was caught in the back of the head by a laser beam which caused his head to explode!!!

"Take this you filthy animals!" Crimebot screamed tinnily, although there was no one left to hear him except his friends in the truck. He wheeled over to them. "Criminals apprehended," he said, staring at Bert. "Justice served," he concluded.

Bert shrieked and ran off down the road, shrieking more loudly than before.

The servos in Crimebot's face relaxed and he looked contented.

One of the criminals reached out, and though his legs were severed and cauterized by laser burns, he attempted to climb off the road in agony. Just then, Ross Campbell slammed down on the accelerator really hard, peeling out from a dead start, finally sensing danger minutes after the battle was over. Looking up at the oncoming two tonnes of steel and wood (it was an old truck), the man tried to yell but found it difficult with his lung also punctured by a laser blast. Putting up his one good arm (the one he had been using to climb away pathetically) up over his face, he tried to shield himself. Of course it had no effect whatsoever, and the man was horribly crushed.

Driving off towards the old Winslow farm, our heroes had no idea what was in store for them, but Crimebot, who had just risked his titanium covered shell to fight those knife-wielding maniancs, worried he may have to fight again...